The Hate Boat

The beauty of 'living' in the Afterdeath is that all immigration is tightly controlled. Every single new arrival DOES NOT WANT TO BE HERE. In the Afterlife, of course, each soul arrives with the knowledge that they didn't end up here, and this is the source of much of their joy.

You'd be surprised how many immigration officials fail to make the cut. By and large, they are regarded as 'undesirables', as are most politicians, lawyers, police officers, soldiers, and religious fundamentalists of every stripe.

Occasionally, we send a boatload of would-be immigrants off to the far shores of the Afterdeath, in search of a better way of death. The aforementioned 'undesirables' are always the first to muscle or talk their way aboard. They've had all that practice on Earth. We have to really suppress the glee welling up in our evil chests and fight back the smiles pulling at the corners of our ghastly mouths.

After a very lengthy journey across the Sea of Magma that the crew have made as unpleasant as possible, the passengers of the 'Afterlife Boat' begin to see the coast of the Afterlife looming in the distance. Rainbows cross the sky and some of the best angels shine in the sky like stars, even during the day. The demonic crew are practically bursting at this point, waiting for their cue. Finally, one of the deceived wretches cries out "We made it!", and the passengers all shout and rejoice and make jolly. At this point, the demons are free to laugh as well, and they writhe on the deck, wracked by convulsions of hysteria, bloody red tears running down their hideous faces.

At the InterRealm border, a small sleek vessel approaches from the Shores of Happiness across the Strait of Disappointment. At the helm stands the Angel of Bad News. The vessel stops at hailing distance, and the Angel speaks into a golden Megaphone: "GO BACK, AND INSTALL A NEW DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT!"

The decrepit vessel always seems to start taking on lava at this point. The demons and rats leap into the brimstone breakers and swim back to the Afterdeathly shores. The Afterlife Boat slowly sinks into the scorching seas, and the damned understand why they are there.