Boundaries in Relationships

[thediva2]

Boundaries in Relationships

Electica and I have been going back and forth for the past couple of months on the subject of boundaries in relationships. We have had many heated discussions about his ex and her need to have him fulfill certain roles as a spouse although she ended their relationship almost a year ago. It appears that his ex wants a husband when it’s convenient, but doesn’t want any of the other aspects of a marital relationship. I am from the school of thought that you cannot be friends with your ex. Yes, there are children involved and you can co-parent; however, phone calls about directions to Traders Joe’s and ink jet cartridges are not appropriate -- that’s what fucking mapquest and google are for. There is a difference between being friendly and being friends.

Also, his ex has asked me to attend social events with them and the children. I don’t think it’s appropriate and have no desire to be her friend. She is interpreting my refusal to accept her invitations as insecurity on my part. It has not dawned on her that I have a wonderful group of women in my life who are caring and supportive. I would never consider her to be part of my social circle. I’m holding firm on this one.

[nicobie]

Hey,

I agree. There does come a time....

[eclectica]

A lot of these things that my ex~ Tata does run in her family and are family traits. It's not so easily explained off as her wanting the convenience of a husband but also wanting the freedom of being single.

You see, when I first met Tata 11 years ago, she and her older brother were the only ones of her family here from Senegal. One thing that her older brother used to do a lot, and this was before cell phones were popular, was call us at home often to ask for information on things which it seemed he should have been able to figure out himself. As if we were a reference service. It was annoying when it happened and I thought he was a bit pathetic. In many ways he seemed like a younger brother to Tata due to his immaturity.

Well now I see that Tata does the same things, and that just shows to me the power of genetics. Since I've met her she's become more lazy, which I attribute to her increased standard of living, aging, and being Americanized. So while you see it as her trying to get the best of worlds by getting husband perks, I see it as the nature of her in that she does not have trouble asking help from other people. Do you know that when she moved in to her place, she had her friends come over to help her unpack her stuff and clean the house? It's not just me that she leans on. I would never do the things she does, by asking for help. They say in fact that men tend not to ask for directions when lost. But there are times when I should have asked for help rather than waste my time trying to figure things out on my own.

I'm not saying that you're wrong girlfriend. I'm just saying that it's not so easy to explain as a situation where she wants the husband conveniences. There are several explanations and factors for why she does what she does.

I understand how you feel and for you it is hard to deal with me having two children, amicable custody and separation, and a history with my ex~. If I were you I would feel the same way somewhat. Here's something for you to think about: if she turned out to be a confirmed Lesbian, or got her own boyfriend, would that make you feel more comfortable in being friends with her?

You said that you have a wonderful group of women in your life who are caring and supportive. So are you not open to meeting new people? Have you reached the limit? Ask yourself: are your boundaries freeing you or are they enslaving you? Maybe you should try to be more pragmatic and not be so strict about your boundaries.

Whenever the phone rings and it's her calling I can imagine that it's a big turnoff for you to have my ex~ calling while we are having a moment together. :cockbloc: So I could always screen my calls or confront her and tell her that she should only call me if it's really important. Then again I don't know if it's my daughters wanting to talk to me, or something related to my daughters. Even in the example you cited where she was calling me to ask for directions to Trader Joe's, the girls were in the car. So if I wanted to teach her a lesson by not answering the phone or pretending not to know the answer, it would have caused my daughters to be stuck for longer in the car, which would increase their discomfort. Maybe she would have called someone else who is not as good with directions instead. Shouldn't I be flattered that someone turns to me often for help? It's a mixed blessing when you think about it. It's not just a nuisance.

I agree with a lot of what you're saying girlfriend, but I don't let myself get hung up on the concept of boundaries. I'll just have to find the right balance and the right timing between eating the P :eatout: and answering the P :phone:.

[thediva2]

A lot of these things that my ex~ Tata does run in her family and are family traits. It's not so easily explained off as her wanting the convenience of a husband but also wanting the freedom of being single. On the contrary, it can be explained by someone who can see the situation objectively – she uses people. In fact, it is what she and her family have and will continue to do. It may be cultural and/or hereditary. While her first instinct is to “lean” on other people, I will not be one of the people she uses. I am opting out of that role.

I understand how you feel and for you it is hard to deal with me having two children, amicable custody and separation, and a history with my ex~. This is not the issue. The only component that I have a problem with is Tata (and you) wanting me to be part of the supporting cast – the girls and their needs should always come first, not hers. It’s time that you both realize that I have no intention of participating in an emotional threesome.

Here's something for you to think about: if she turned out to be a confirmed Lesbian, or got her own boyfriend, would that make you feel more comfortable in being friends with her? No. Her personal life is of no concern to me. I am blessed to be in the company of women I can truly call friends -- women who know how to give more than they take. I have made a conscious decision not have people in my life who are self-serving. However, there is always room for those who are caring, giving, human beings. This is not Tata. You may want to go back and re-read some of your postings to refresh your memory. . .

Maybe you should try to be more pragmatic and not be so strict about your boundaries. I’m certain that I’m not the only person who believes that not wanting to be friends with your boyfriend’s ex- is the norm.

Whenever the phone rings and it's her calling I can imagine that it's a big turnoff for you to have my ex~ calling while we are having a moment together. So I could always screen my calls or confront her and tell her that she should only call me if it's really important. Then again I don't know if it's my daughters wanting to talk to me, or something related to my daughters. Even in the example you cited where she was calling me to ask for directions to Trader Joe's, the girls were in the car. Let’s tell the whole truth -- her brother was also in the car, so perhaps two able-minded adults could have figured it out? What discomfort? It was the middle of the afternoon on a sunny day. Shouldn't I be flattered that someone turns to me often for help? When it relates to your daughters, yes, you should. However, calls to the Electica Tech Support about toner cartridges are bullshit. I realize that your self-esteem may be linked to the need to be the superhero and rescuer. I also know that you can’t do it everyday in our relationship. Perhaps, it is unfortunate for you that I’m a superhero in my own right. Is a mixed blessing when you got what you wished for a year ago: someone who is strong, intelligent, beautiful, self-sufficient and very much in touch with her sexuality?


I'll just have to find the right balance and the right timing between eating the P :eatout: and answering the P :phone: . Yes, “stop imagining that it’s a big turnoff” and fix that immediately because when I’m “talking to the mic” you should know that answering the phone and giving Tata directions to Trader Joe’s is a major no:nope:. . . and you will end up :jerkit:

[slx]

alright...one of you love birds bring us ignorants up to speed....explain this relationship...i assume diva and ec are doing the nasty and she has a problem with the ex~ interrupting during the act~ ....

am i following you guys?

[eclectica]

thediva2 is my girlfriend. I've been with her since December 2006.

[nicobie]

thediva2 is my girlfriend. I've been with her since December 2006.


heshe

pics pls.

[thediva2]

I'm all woman, Nicobie.:oompa:

[nicobie]

I'm all woman, Nicobie.:oompa:

I did get that right.

And I think U're posts to lurkie are right on.


Kids or not, there is a time to trash the X and go with the fresh.

[napho]

Ultimately it doesn't matter why an ex wants to be cozy friends, be it genetics, custom, or a desire to take advantage of you. Cut the ties, there's nothing to be gained by trying to be friends with someone who dumped your ass. Just be courteous and professional, and move on with your life.

[nicobie]

Ultimately it doesn't matter why an ex wants to be cozy friends, be it genetics, custom, or a desire to take advantage of you. Cut the ties, there's nothing to be gained by trying to be friends with someone who dumped your ass. Just be courteous and professional, and move on with your life.


yes

[anxietyculture.com]

thediva2 is my girlfriend. I've been with her since December 2006.
I've been away from this forum, and I see something has changed at least! :)

I used to envy eclectica for having a wife while I had failed even to hang on to a girlfriend, but I suppose this just goes to show how silly envy is.

You should sit with her one day and get her to list all the people she knows who might be good with directions etc, then tell her that you can be in the list, providing she follows it in strict rotation.

Hopefully this should introduce a reasonable break between instances of her phoning you about such matters.

...Of course, if she's an unpopular manipulative so-and-so, then it might be tricky to get the friend-count into double-figures, but hey, I expect that's just me being a pessimist, or judging prematurely, or something.

:flush:

[Nubiana]

Hi,
I'm new to this forum and I was just trawling through these fascinating posts. Has this one been resolved or is the slow foot shuffle still being performed?

[slx]

hey all...i'm still alive as well....working harder, playing less....go figure

[thediva2]

Well, Nubiana I waited a couple of weeks to come up with an objective response to your question. However, it seems to be more the of same. Most days Eclectica is sporting cement shoes because he is still caught up in Tata's world. When a relationship is over the “husbanding” must end, especially when you've been the dumpee. You can kid yourself and say that it is for the sake of the children but since neither of them drive yet, I doubt that they need you to take two trains to the other side of town to move the car because there is no parking.

The “Divorce With Benefits” is about what is convenient for his ex. Although she ended their relationship, she still expects him to be available when she locks herself out of her apartment, is doing her annual move, her apartment needs to be painted, do EVERYTHING for the children so that she can come home every evening and do what? It is so convenient that the Manny has homework completed, children fed and bathed by 7 pm. The meter on my patience is running out. When I mentioned that his needed to wrapped up soon because I'm not comfortable with Eclectica hanging out at his ex's house after school everyday, I was met with resistance. My response was the R word – reconciliation. Clearly you are not ready to move on and a slave can't have two masters.

[slx]

You can kid yourself and say.....

i hate domestic squabbles but i'll indulge my dark side and say...

girlie.....you have 2 choices....




doesn't diva also mean prima donna...?

[Lamourlady]

Wow, you know you've been away a long time, when...

Hello peeps. I'd like to say congratulations to E for his new relationship, but seems so tasteless, since the last time I spoke to him he was still with Tata...so I am sorry to hear that it didn't work out.

As to the actual topic, I think it boils down to...if you're not the one who ended the relationship and you cared for the other person, it is something you cannot just turn off, no matter how appropriate it may deem...especially for the new partner and especially if children are involved. We want the other parent to be completely 100% or else we feel they aren't there for our children, 100%. I think it's almost unconscience.

This is really no one's fault. It is the status quo and as adults, we are all aware of the pitfalls and consequences of enlising in such a relationship from the get go, from both sides.

And E, knowing how hard it is for someone to accept being in a relationship with you in such a situation, you will also have to be much more sensitive.

So in the end, it is like any other relationship, where both parties will have work to do, to make it work. Only you both know each other's worth as people and what is worth the efforts. You both have to believe that it can work...and it will. But both will have to give in here and there, also.

So don't go letting the hot n' heavy distract you! hehehe

[thediva2]

Well, despite all the antics put into play, E and I made it to city hall on 12 September 2008. :love:

The ex drama hit a plateau in December. 2009 holds lots of promise for so many things.:oompa:

Hope everyone is doing well.

TD2