MasturbatingJesus
2003-12-08, 20:28
in the beginning, god forbade eve from tasting the forbidden fruit. well, it turns out eve decided to do what any good woman should do, and she gave adam a blowjob. this violated god's rules, because he set it up so that only eve would give him head. eve tasted the forbidden fruit and seed of adam. the serpent is actually adam's penis. eve couldn't resist it, being that it was so bulbous and promising. whenever god would get head from her, he would grab her by both her ears and make her go real deep on the serpent, causing her to choke. that pissed her off, and she found him arrogant and insensitive. indeed it is written in the bible that yahweh is a macho, jealous god.
so god created this thing called "original sin" to punish men forever after. from that point onwards, men could no longer count on getting blowjobs without feeling guilty and sinful about it. instead, any ejaculation was to be considered sinful unless it led to having children. men were damned. either they were chaste, or they had a huge child support bill to pay.
this all changed when god realized the folly of his ways. he got really horny after forty-four thousand years, and decided that he wanted to get laid again. so he changed the rules again. after all, he's god. he set it up that so that whenever he has sex with a woman, it would be called an "immaculate conception". by such a proclamation, he was able to avoid the embarassment of having to explain the stained panties of his girlfriends. instead of acknowledging the stain, it became unstained and immaculate, by very definition.
from the start god had his eyes on mary's mother. after so long without sex, god picked her off the street and couldn't help but fucking her repeatedly. when she ended up pregnant, god was a little embarassed. but he quickly devised a coverup. it was referred to as an "immaculate conception". mary's mother, full of lust and sweaty and musky from sex, was made to look like an innocent virgin. mary was free from the original sin that eve had.
but it didn't end there. god didn't like the idea of a messiah being a woman, so he decided to fuck mary, his daughter, and luckily for both of them, jesus was born after not too much fucking. actually jesus had a tiny, malformed penis with xxy chromosomes, which was typical of the various genetic disorders that incestuous jews had. for a while god wasn't sure if he was a man or woman. but being the jewish carpenter that he was, jesus devised a crude enhancement device that caused his serpent to grow and swell, and when the lord witnessed it, he said, yeah it is good, for i have witnessed the miniscule serpent of our lord jesus christ.
so god created this thing called "original sin" to punish men forever after. from that point onwards, men could no longer count on getting blowjobs without feeling guilty and sinful about it. instead, any ejaculation was to be considered sinful unless it led to having children. men were damned. either they were chaste, or they had a huge child support bill to pay.
this all changed when god realized the folly of his ways. he got really horny after forty-four thousand years, and decided that he wanted to get laid again. so he changed the rules again. after all, he's god. he set it up that so that whenever he has sex with a woman, it would be called an "immaculate conception". by such a proclamation, he was able to avoid the embarassment of having to explain the stained panties of his girlfriends. instead of acknowledging the stain, it became unstained and immaculate, by very definition.
from the start god had his eyes on mary's mother. after so long without sex, god picked her off the street and couldn't help but fucking her repeatedly. when she ended up pregnant, god was a little embarassed. but he quickly devised a coverup. it was referred to as an "immaculate conception". mary's mother, full of lust and sweaty and musky from sex, was made to look like an innocent virgin. mary was free from the original sin that eve had.
but it didn't end there. god didn't like the idea of a messiah being a woman, so he decided to fuck mary, his daughter, and luckily for both of them, jesus was born after not too much fucking. actually jesus had a tiny, malformed penis with xxy chromosomes, which was typical of the various genetic disorders that incestuous jews had. for a while god wasn't sure if he was a man or woman. but being the jewish carpenter that he was, jesus devised a crude enhancement device that caused his serpent to grow and swell, and when the lord witnessed it, he said, yeah it is good, for i have witnessed the miniscule serpent of our lord jesus christ.